We appreciate your interest in contributing to our publication. Pitchfork is always looking for dynamic, talented new members of our team. Unfortunately, at this time, we are unable to accept your submission. Our editors feel your particular writing style is not a good fit with readership.
A few helpful professional tips:
When submitting your work, be sure that your topic is relevant to the publication you are applying to. Pitchfork's readership is looking for exciting and intelligent reviews of new independent musical talent. Your essay, entitled "Why I Will Never Date an Indie Boy Again", would be more suited for a magazine with an female adolescent readership, like Seventeen. Also, we are sorry you feel this way.
Referring to your potential audience as a "sub-culture of pudgy, hairy, 12 year olds who just discovered their dicks" is not only an offensive statement, but has the potential to alienate.
Referring to Arcade Fire as the new Crash Test Dummies is inaccurate and betrays your ignorance of the Canadian scene. This point is driven home by your exclamation that the Weakerthans are "the best band in the world, after ELO".
Lindsey Lohan is not a credible source of insider information, and we can find no verification that she has slept with every living member of Slayer. However, you might have meant this as a metaphor. If so, we apologize, but fail to see the point.
Maintaining your journalistic objectivity is important for all non-fiction writers. It is unfair to assume that because your ex-boyfriend made you a mixtape with a large number of Air and M.Ward tracks, they must "all be homos like him."
At this point, we would ask you to seriously reconsider the direction of your writing career, and please refrain from any future submissions. Though on a personal note, we are truly horrified by your description of having sex to Kiss's Alive album, and wish the best of luck with your recovery.