Sunday, November 30, 2008
The newest innovation in our inevitable agonizingly slow journey towards a Star Trek Future.
Or maybe, in this case, SeaQuest future.
"The technology can generate electricity in water flowing at a rate of less than one knot - about one mile an hour - meaning it could operate on most waterways and sea beds around the globe."
Saturday, November 29, 2008
American Apparel is now selling acid washed jeans in many colors.
Now that piece of hot stuff is exactly who I want to be cuddling up to on a cold Cleveland night, while we listen to Deerhoof and sip our room temperature Great Lakes Christmas Ale.
"Hello ex-boyfriend. What have you been up to? Oh you're a pedophile now? I would never have guessed it from your uber hip jeans"
Beatles (for disconnect)
Don't Let Me Down
Let It Be
I've Just Seen A Face
She Came in Through the Bathroom Window
Ob la di Ob la da
Boston (for superiority complex)
Don't Look Back
More Than a Feeling
Feels Like the First Time
Journey (for Roller skating rink circa 1986)
Eye Of The Tiger
Any Way You Want It
Don't Stop Believing
Queen (Prozac without the sexual side effects)
Don't Stop Me Now
Show Must Go On
Crazy Little Thing
Radio Ga Ga
I Want It All
We Are the Champions
Fat Bottomed Girls
Friday, November 28, 2008
1. I doubt that I understand anybody. I harbor suspicion that I am oblivious to lots of things about people that I should be noticing and appreciating. Craziness especially. What if nobody is really who I think they are? What if I am very delusional, and you all are completely different than I think you are?
2. I doubt that anyone understands me. Sure, I know my friends and family love me, but love is so subjective. They love parts of me that relate to them. Do any of them see the full complete picture of me? I feel extremely see-through, and I'm not exactly discreet. But maybe I feel that way cause I'm with myself all the time. What's it like to only experience me broken into small distinct pieces? What about me do they really dislike? Why do I only feel whole and secure when I'm by myself? But the reason this is a doubt and not a fact is because maybe, possibly, everyone understands me perfectly and I'm not that complicated.
3. I doubt that I've ever really loved anybody or anything the way other people love things. This doubt can be overshadowed by gas clouds of drunken happiness, but in reality, I could leave tomorrow and if there was someone else to fill their places, I would be okay. I would miss them. But as long as I stay distracted by new things, I'm fine. Do my friends who get this about me understand that it doesn't make them any less valuable to me now? Does everyone feel this way about people?
4. I doubt that I am pretty. Because I am fat. But I see myself as very pretty, so you know, this is more related to #2.
5. I doubt that I am smart. Because so much that goes through my head seems to be repetition, and also increasingly negative. And I doubt that a smart girl would give any of these useless nasty thoughts any room to grow, but I do, because they're more entertaining than television. Also, when I go to open mikes, I tell everyone how good they were. And I mean it. Which doesn't seem like the smartest thing. It seems like a dumb girl thing to do. Some guy on Tuesday told me I was a "good soul". Since I know that I am very much so NOT that, it makes me think that I must come off as dumb and nice to these people, cause isn't that what you say to dumb nice girls who smile too much when drunk guys are talking to them? Or it's what you say to ugly girls. Also I use the word "that" too much.
6. I doubt that I am ever going to live a life more interesting than this. Even though I know my life changes constantly, and I just need to say yes to some things I have previously said no to. But it seems like so much effort now. It seems like I could stay in this apartment forever, at this job forever, doing the same Cleveland things. Most of the time I have faith that I won't, that I will find something else to do, but....well its winter. Winter makes me see everything as permanent.
7. I doubt I will ever go back to school. I highly doubt it. I know I should, if only for my intellectual health. But it takes so much money and work. I consider paying off my car to be my biggest accomplishment lately. And the only effort that required was paying my bill on time for three years. If something like a car payment can be so hard and stressful on me, how could I ever do something bigger than that? I am a child.
8. I doubt my own sanity. Sometimes I feel like I must be mentally retarded in some subtle way. Other times I feel completely disconnected, floating in loose space around a Sims game, an abandoned character. In fact, most of the time I am vacillating between one of those two things. Every once in a while, I feel controlled and powerful and magnetic. Those are the only times I feel confident in my sanity, when I can talk to people and really be in the moment and not playing some weird part. But I haven't figured out how to leave that mode on full time. And I can feel my skill at faking that slipping away as I get older.
9. I doubt the level of trashiness in my life. I try hard to not be trashy. But maybe I have been all along? Or I'm descending into it? Trashy people don't know they're trashy, do they? I mean, they must have some clue, otherwise we wouldn't have country music stars. But what if I'm just poor dirty uneducated opinionated trashy? I really like Britney Spears.
10. All of the above combine to make me doubt my superiority over the rest of the human race. But then I remember that the guys who have loved me have been smart, interesting guys. And my friends continue to be my friends despite my perpetual boy drama, and inane ridiculous statements, and inability to call them. And in five years I will read this list and go "oh my god, HOW 29 is THAT". And if I work it correctly, I have at least 50 years left to prove to some segment of the population how much more talented than them I am. I'm just a slow learner when it comes to things that aren't on tests. I'm a baby, really. I'm an adolescent mind. The gestation period for my brilliance is just a little bit longer than the average human. I'm Apple, twenty years ago. Invest now.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I like the whole all or nothing aesthetic of Thanksgiving. There's this feeling of eat it all now, as if tomorrow there is no possibility of us starving or not having a job or being homeless. It's less "I'm so grateful for this" and more "I have utter confidence in this".
Which is what I was thinking about yesterday while driving. There was the predictable story about the new cabinet picks on the radio and I was contemplating the pure middleness of our new president, when I realized that all this "hope" we were sold, and ate with the vigor of a butterball turkey wasn't really hope. I don't think any of us thought he was going to get into office and suddenly all our liberal fantasies would come true. But we'll trade away extremity for what Obama is really selling, confidence. I love driving around, thinking about politics and elections in Lebanon and inflation in Ghana, and having confidence in the person who runs my country, who decides what move we make and what kind of player we are. It means I can listen and think about these things with actual interest again, instead of crippling abject terror.
So Thanksgiving is also about confidence. Confidence in our money, and our family, and our country, and ourselves. Maybe we sometimes make the wrong moves, or the answer the wrong questions, but in the end it will work out, because we're us. And look at all this food we have!
Then tomorrow we'll go back to doubting and eating leftovers.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Once you have thoroughly considered this, please then turn your intimidating brain power to why I have no socks left, what should I wear to work right now, why won't Limewire make love to me, and will the music world collapse in on itself if Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves did a duet album?
Yes, I will be at the Beachland tonight. Even though Top Chef has the Foo Fighters on tonight......foo fighterrrsssss...judging fooooodddddd.......
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
We went on a search this evening for a concert DVD to watch, something that tied into the Greatest Rock Ballads Collection infomercial we had just watched the entirety of, something like Foreigner or Pat Benatar, REO Speedwagon or Bonnie Tyler. Sadly, nothing at the video stores but Skynyrd and Neil Young.
The tool of the day is...scissors. Just cut my bangs. Used them for salting a turkey. Cut up boxes to put in the trash. What would I do without them? I suspect I use scissors more than I use forks. But not as much as spoons. The spoon is my favorite utensil. Bring me a spoon before you bring me a sword. Or something.
Also, Burn After Reading is a boring boring movie with no point and no climax and no humor. Just so you know. This isn't an opinion, this is a fact.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The show was pretty good. The first band J Roddy Walston and The Business was great, my favorite out of the whole night. And really, how often does that happen with openers. They had this whole American rock-mustache-Jerry Lee Lewis thing going on.
William Whitmore ended up being okay. When he first got on and started playing, I thought "wow he's got a great voice and this is charming". It was string southern gothic feeling, songs about shacks and dads and railroads. But then ALL his songs sounded the same after a while, and I got tired of him about three songs before he ended. I bet I would like him better if I knew the songs beforehand. Cause you have to be in a mood for that kind of music, and after the first band I was not in the mood for charming so much.
Then Murder By Death, which was my concert partners favorite band. It's like if you put the Pogues, Decemberists, and Failure in a blender, then gave them a lead singer who looks like Abraham Lincoln and has a voice like Nick Cave. It was good, I liked it. But by the end of the set, I was falling asleep on my feet, having been up since 6am (stupid Saturdays). Their last two songs were awesome though.
So it was a good idea to go, and now I'm dragging my sloth butt out of the house for bowling watching, vodka drinking, and wing eating. Happy Sunday!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I know I have to get used to going to shows alone 'cause otherwise I'm gonna miss everything I want to see. But I wish everyone else wasn't snug with their others (or old) and would come with me. I'm not pretty enough to be alone.
Never mind. I'm sucking it up. Grog Shop wins. Right? Right?
Here's the show I WISH I was going to...
So this morning I ran out of any CDs I cared to listen to at all, and turned to that steady bastion of crazy weird songs, Magic 105.7. And this morning, of all mornings, I heard a song I had never heard before, which is a minor miracle for a station that has had only 100 songs in rotation since I was 12. The radio never told me what the song was, so I spend an hour trying to google "a child to carry on". You can imagine the drivel I pulled up with that. Finally I called the Ex, who has a magical knowledge of random radio songs, and I said "hey, it's casino boppy and he's talking about dying and a child who is born" and he was all like "Oh it's...." without pause. Without pause.
"And When I Die" by Blood Sweat and Tears. What the what.
I'm not scared of dying and I don't really care
If it's peace you find in dying, well then, let the time be near
If it's peace you find in dying and if dying time is here,
Just bundle up my coffin 'cause it's cold way down there
I hear that it's cold way down there
Yeah, crazy cold way down there
And when I die, and when I'm gone,
There'll be one child born
In this world to carry on,
To carry on
Now, troubles are many, they're as deep as a well
I can swear there ain't no heaven but I pray there ain't no hell
Swear there ain't no heaven and I pray there ain't no hell
But I'll never know by living, only my dying will tell
Yes, only my dying will tell
Yeah, only my dying will tell
And when I die, and when I'm gone,
There'll be one child born
In this world to carry on,
To carry on
Give me my freedom for as long as I be
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me
And all I ask of dying is to go naturally
Oh, I want to go naturally
Here I go Hey hey!
Here comes the devil
Look out, children
Here he comes!
Here he comes!
Don't want to go by the devil
Don't want to go by demon
Don't want to go by Satan
Don't want to die uneasy
Just let me go naturally
And when I die
And when I'm dead, dead and gone,
There'll be one child born
In our world to carry on,
To carry on
*Would that every morning could start this way.
**This song was written by a 17yr old Jewish girl from the Bronx. I'm not joking. This is probably why this whole thing reminds me of sophomore English class and this really dumb poem I wrote and gave to a local band cause Jeff wanted to write a song for it but then Jeff left and the band is still around the same bar 10 yrs later, and I'm kinda glad they didn't do anything with it.
Friday, November 21, 2008
But, as all of us over 20 learned from Jurassic Park, I do not want a dinosaur as a pet*. A giant red dog? Sure. But a living breathing pooping reptile who wants to eat my face and drag my body back to its eggs as baby's first kill? No.
So why are today's toy makers trying to convince children that dinosaurs are their cute cuddly friends? Are they hoping to inspire legions of future archaelogists? Are they battling creationist forces? Or are they prepping the world population for a far darker future?
Or rather, MEET PLEO, HE IS YOUR FRIEND.
"Every Pleo is autonomous. Yes, each one begins life as a newly-hatched baby Camarasaurus, but that's where predictability ends and individuality begins. Like any creature, Pleo feels hunger and fatigue - offset by powerful urges to explore and be nurtured. He'll graze, nap and toddle about on his own -when he feels like it! Pleo dinosaur can change his mind and his mood, just as you do."
If he feels like toddling over to your bed at night and staring at you with that demonic glass gaze until you wake up and piss yourself? He will! It's cute!
Remember Furbies? Same makers and therefore it's only a matter of time before we're all telling the same story about the friend of a friend who has one installed in his computer tower. Except no one uses towers anymore, do they? So it'll be a race to see who can program their Pleo to play Wii Tennis first. Watch and be simultaneously creeped out/insane with jealousy...
But when is the best time to indoctrinate children into false hope Dinotopia? 11? 12? How about 2?
This is Kota the Triceratops. YOU CAN RIDE HIM. Well, technically he (she?) doesn't walk, but you can sit on him and pretend you are riding him. Which when you are three years old is just as good.
"It’s fossil-sized fun standing just over 2.5 feet tall. A hidden handle helps kids hold on once they climb onto the dinosaur’s back. Realistic stomping sounds add to the make-believe fun as kids bounce in place on the spring seat. Talk to KOTA the Triceratops and he roars back with expressive tail, head, eye, mouth and horn movements. Touch his nose with your hand and KOTA “sniffs” it! In fact, it’s easy to trigger all of his sensitive spots – try tickling his belly or chin to make KOTA “laugh”. And when you think this pretend dinosaur has worked up an appetite, be sure to “feed” KOTA his leafy snack – it really sounds like he’s munching on it! "
So they want us to treat dinosaurs as beings with feelings, emotions, desires. They want us to learn how feed and take care of them, to pleasure them with belly rubs? And they want children (and some older adults who shall remain nameless) to beg and cry for dinosaurs for Christmas?
I think someone's been buying up islands off the coast of Costa Rica.
*This is obviously the biggest lie I have ever told in my life.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
So we assembled the requisite magical mystery tour herbs.
Then I fried them up, to give us the garlic infused powers of the Night and Shadows.
Next we killed a Bald Eagle, butchered it, and added that to the volcano paste. Because all true Ninjas hate America.
Finally we tempered it with some Sand of Space and Judgement. Which happens to resemble jasmine rice, but is far more potent and tastes better with red wine. Also, that bowl was white when I ladled our concoction in it. Now it is black. Like my Ninja soul.
See that skull t-shirt? We are obviously so much more badass now, it is not even funny. Also, our sinuses are crystal clear.
I just read this girl's Livejournal post where she talked about a MORTAL KOMBAT! party her friend threw. Where they dressed up as characters from Mortal Kombat. WHAT THE HELL are my friends doing? NOT THAT.
Pad Kee Mao (drunken stir fry chicken) * 2 cups ground chicken * 15 cloves garlic * 5 fresh Thai chili peppers * 4 coriander roots or coriander stems if not available * 2 tbsp cooking oil (not olive oil, we used sweet chili oil and sesame oil) * 1 tbsp oyster sauce * 2 tbsp Thai fish sauce * 1 tsp white sugar * 1/4 cup chicken stock * 1/2 cup fresh holy basil * 1 sliced red spur chili pepper, optional Preparation 1. Pound the garlic, chillies, and coriander roots well in a mortar. 2. Heat the oil in a wok. When the oil is hot, add the pounded chilli mixture and fry with stirring. When the garlic is golden, add the meat and continue stirring and turning. 3. When the meat is done, add the oyster sauce, fish sauce, sugar, and chicken stock to give the dish some liquid. Add the basil leaves and chilli, and stir holy basil leaves to mix; then serve with rice.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I woke up and got mad.
I stayed mad all day.
But I got a great evaluation at work.
I couldn't go to Jay's because I had to stay at work too late.
Then my car battery light came on while driving home, and I barely made it to the front of my house when the car just died. Kaput. My windows are still rolled down though, electric you know, so if you wanted to steal a bag of dirty clothes or some chicken stock, tonight's your night.
Then I got upstairs and my cable box was dead. Which is a clear sign that God hates Jennifer Aniston.
And the flu shot I got yesterday is totally making me sick.
But in my email I got a message from Kucinich's office saying I was on the waitlist for inauguration tickets, as well as a warning that these are standing tickets only, no food or drink allowed in the area, and there's an expected 4 hour wait with no restroom facilities. But I did get on the waitlist, which is AWESOME.
So, you know, it's a very mixed day.
Also, I've spent the last few days with visions of a vagina headed marching band stomping on an abandoned baby, bouncing around behind my eyeballs. I need a breathalyzer on my phone.
ALSO how is it that 30 Seconds to Mars is successful enough as a band STILL(not to mention EVER) that they can film a music video on an ice floe in the Artic circle? And how is it helping the cause of global warming to accelerate destruction by building an airstrip, have giant heavy machinery brought in, and then twirling your scarf a lot? Polar Bear Revolution Motherfuckers. They will eat your head Jared Leto.
UPDATE: Sometimes the universe isn't out to kick you while you're down, cause sometimes it's just your battery not your alternator. Even though you have a weird old South Korean car, so your battery is 100 dollars. But its still not your alternator, praise Yeesus Hallelujah. Times like these make you grateful you still live in the same city as your parents. Especially when right before your car died, you were busy screaming at the ex-boyfriend who usually took care of all your car problems.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Germans? I bet the kids in the trucks are germans.
They're sneak attacking the base! Will the Germans steal a nuclear bomb?
Oh wait, they're Russians. The commies are after the ark? Mummified remains? I think Cate Blanchett looks like that famous asian spy lady I can't think of right now, Mata Hari. Only her accent is horrible. Magnetic gunpowder cloud? Really? oh....Roswell. I thought the aliens came at the end.
Why can't Spielberg stay away from aliens? And why would you open the mummy in the warehouse? Jay likes the sound of guns going down. I fail to see how you could drive the car with some case in it that's so magnetized, gunpowder drifted to it from across the warehouse.
Alright, I think I've found the problem with this movie. Indy survives a nuclear blast in a fridge? And doesn't immediately get crushed in the impact. And climbs out among burning debris with no thought to his testicles, as he stands casually and surveys the mushroom cloud about a mile away. Did I mention he got thrown a mile in a fridge, with no broken bones? And the CGI prairie dogs survived and don't have tumours all over their furry little bellies?
Now we get nice little civic lesson in bad government. The FBI thinks he's rogue. Indy gets fired? Maybe he'll start a petition, maybe an internet petition. That would be swell.
Now liberal extremist McCarthy targeted fired intellectual teams up with funny looking Jewish boy to fight the Russians, appropriate.
Indy just said "typhus".
Also, how does Indy not believe in "stories" at this point? ALSO what the hell is with that library scene? They slide a bike on its side underneath multiple tables and no one breaks a leg? Then he tells the kids to stay out of the library? Try staying out of the FALLOUT CLOUD, asshole. I'm sure Indy learned an obscure Incan language by staying out of the library. And he phoned in his doctorate.
I bet five dollars the conquistadors are alive at the end of this movie. Kept alive by the aliens.
I guess smaller scorpions are more poisonous, we googled it, its true. Also we bought some tamarind at Asian Plaza and eating it from the pod is like sucking the flesh of a penis made of sweet potato.
Shia Le Bouf is doing a GOOD job of making old Indy still look tough. I wonder if that was in his contract. "Hey I'll do this movie, but my sidekick can't be cuter than me and also has to be an obvious weakling."
Wait there are the conquistadors, they've been mummified with alien magic! I don't think in general just opening up mummies randomly with no planning is a good idea...wasn't there another movie about that?
We also got these tamarind candies that are coated in sugar and chili, I can't stop eating them. I'm going to get an Asian tummy ache.
The crystal skull: doesn't speak to everyone huh? Only crazy archaelogists from England? "Stare into the the skull" she says. "We will turn you into us" she says. The Russian plot is to turn America into Russian, subliminally. With a bunch of crystallized alien heads. This is like a political club over the head. Psychic warfare, a misguided FBI, alien conspiracy. I think Spielberg is an Air America fan.
"Autowriting. I should have seen this"
Well, we all should have honey.
The dinosaurs are crawling through the forest! Wait no, the commies brought a tree chipper to the Amazon. Now we're going to the magic alien city, and annoying jewish boy is Indy's son. So of course we have to hear fugly Marian and old Indy argue. I always hated Marian. I guess it's good Indy has a kid now, because he will NEVER HAVE CHILDREN AGAIN NOW THAT HE IS THOROUGHLY IRRADIATED and also will die of leukemia in a month.
Apparently Shia is the Monkey King. And the skull keeps away acres of demon possessed ants away but in close proximity, so Indy can have a fight in the circle of ant death with a Russian who will lose his face. And Ox is Willie Nelson in a poncho. And indian ninjas are stalking them. And Spielberg believes he invents aliens with every single movie , so he has to beat us over the head with the info that "hey these are aliens" even though they are the most cliche aliens ever and we all know what alien skulls look like thank you.
This entire movie was designed to be turned into an amusement park ride. I'm all like, well, there's gonna be a waterfall coming up, because in the car chase, the good guys have the car/boat. And then there's three waterfalls.
The booby traps in the temple SUCK.
Now Mata Hari has returned the head to the crystal skeleton alien, and all the aliens are meshing together, and they're one alien! And the place disentagrates. I think it's safe to assume that every temple left intact is booby trap free, because obviously they all get destroyed anytime anything exciting happens in them. I will feel much safer in temples having realized this.
Mata Hari's head explodes, or maybe she just goes to another dimension. I thought the aliens were giving her the gift of knowledge, but then she explodes. So these are either evil aliens, which means the theory of the movie is that civilization was founded by a bunch of wankers. Or really she goes off with them, becomes enlightened, and spreads the good word of Communism to the universe. She did return the head after all. Which was what they wanted, right? So I think Mata Hari wins.
Meaning Spielberg is a Communist. The entire movie points to it. I mean, she didn't want to keep the skull, she was going to give it back, so Indy and friends were just these obnoxious capitalists who got in the way of her quest for enlightenment. And then when it happened, they got scared and ran. But the strong Ruskie stayed and was rewarded. Americans are weak. Communists are seeking real truth. And humanity is not ready for the return of the superior race.
Finally, Indy marries some ugly broad he dumped years ago cause now he has a kid with her. And everyone leaves happily ever after, except Shia, who has now tarnished his Holes image forever.
Or this whole movie was a dream Indy had as he was dying, locked in the fridge. He imagined all the things he wish he had, a family, a lost love, a meaning behind his work, actual touch with the universal. Maybe this movie was in fact Indy's metaphysical awakening to the gaps in his life, the "looking into the light" moment that sums up his entire career delves deep into the subconscious desires of Henry Jones Jr. But in the end it was too late, and he drifts off into death as he and Marian walk out the church door, the audience lamenting its lost hero and the director poignantly pointing out with some hat trick that there will never again be another Indiana Jones. That modern society, with its obsessions of CGI, Aliens, Over the Top stunts and lack of real mortal enemies, could never support the daring do of
a man with a whip.
And where exactly was his whip?
And then Kanye's new video!
Heartless from kwest on Vimeo.
And then, oh my god, Ninja Kittens!
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Of course, the Republicans back at the office today are the epitome of good sportsmanship and humble grace.
Just kidding. They've been pronouncing loudly about how Obama is a socialist, how when you work hard to be rich you shouldn't have to pay for the poor, and how this country was not founded on the principle of giving everyone a free education.*
I just want to walk up to them and say "I don't care about what you have to say about this. Because you lost."
But luckily I have the girls next to me, who are all very excited. And tonight I finally get to go to a post-election party. So hopefully I can get past all these bad feelings from the last week, and get my hope back goddamnit. I just need a little shot of happy liberaldom** to get me through today. Also a t-shirt that says "I come from a Blue State."
Mid-Day Addendum: I have so far had 2 claims of vandalism (keying and tire slashing) from people who got targeted because they had Obama stickers on their cars, on college campuses.
Also, I just took off for the Inauguration Day 2009, I'm totally going to Washington, who's with me?
* Kids who can't afford it don't deserve an education because their parents are obviously failures.
** As if such a thing existed. It's possible I may be equating liberaldom with Crown Royal.
Friday, November 7, 2008
So I'm back home now. And it turns out you can't throw a drink in anyone's face anymore without everyone in Lakewood knowing about it.
So I smoke a lot of cigarettes and watch bad tv while my cat claws me to pieces cause I left her alone too long. Why do I keep doing it? Why do I keep fucking Sean when I know I'm going to be hurt burned eviscerated by him, and why do it when I hate him so much? And why does he do it when he hates me so much, and tries like hell to stay away? It's been our whole relationship, which goes beyond familial or romantic or friendship, into the realm of Russian tragedy. Tearing ourselves to pieces and then trying to mend it, but failing. Always trying, again and again. Our families hate us. Our friends hate us. We hate us. Oh god, it never really stops. He comes around to me, or I go to him. It's a magnetic steady detoriation of the ties that bind.
When you can't actively love someone, it's better to actively hate them, than to have them gone from your life forever, blank over done. And if we stop giving each other reasons to hate the other one, then eventually we'll have to stop the interaction altogether, and just start living life without them. It's an apocalyptic thought. One of us will do it for real one of these times, will just separate and go away and not come back. But it probably isn't going to be me. It's probably going to be him and it's maybe already done. I did cover him with pineapple juice, in front of people. Wish I could tell you it was me that was the sensible one, but it was never going to be, and anyway you all knew that before we even got started, seven years ago when the shit hit the fan. You all knew I was screwed, and he was screwed. It was inevitable we would both be destroyed by the purely natural preordained completely unavoidable sometimes quite enjoyable combustion. I tried, remember? I cut the bloody cord months ago. Its just I keep trying to tie it back together now, cause I feel like I'm bleeding to death. And I'm tired of saying "one" "other" "us" "hate" "love" "fuck" "always" "probably". I sound like the margin doodles on a high school copy of Jane Eyre.
I feel so old, because I am old. I feel like I can't possibly build something with another person again, it's too much energy and process and frankly I just give up thinking I need to move on from this. Even the focus required to distract myself is too much. I'm just gonna stop trying to be strong or smart or crazy or justified or vengeful or independent. I'm just gonna be nothing for a while. And watch Numbers. Which is seriously the worst show on television.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Once of the nice parts of working where I do is that every campus we have, across the country, is an art museum. Even the layouts and carpeting, and lighting in the cubicle jungles conspire to keep you feeling like its Saturday, you've had croissants for breakfast, and later you'll be having sex. I don't know, that's how art museums make me feel anyway.
That's the Austin campus cubicle map, or a shipbuilders blueprint from 1892, depending on how closely you examine it. My favorite room is the one in the left bottom corner.
I pretty much spent my time here hanging out in other people's cubicles, listening to calls. Being in someone else's cubicle all day really makes you examine them as a person. This girl, for instance, also had several Harry Potter posters, including a skin she made for her phone. And a framed Disney Fairy Princess puzzle.
I also spent my day watching the dinosaur behind the parking lot.
My co-workers threatened to make me drive that blue truck home cross country to Cleveland, and I got all excited and hyper about the idea, and said YES Please, obviously planning my assumed disappearance into Midwest folklore. Then they laughed, and said, see I told you she'd like that. It was a dirty trick to put those thoughts in my brain. Now I can't get rid of them.
email me before tomorrow morning please : firstname.lastname@example.org
I'm just getting kinda tired of being taken in by taxi drivers.
1. I need to learn to forgive all the fuckers who made fun of me for two years because of my support for Obama, then had a magical conversion during the party on Tuesday night. True, they mocked people making phone calls and called the canvassers bad names and talked day and night about how Obama was just a shady inexperienced candidate, but anything was better than Republicans. But I need them to vote in another 4 years, so when they tell me how proud they are that there's a black president, I need to just walk away. My rancor from this is particularly coming from
****, who sent me an email in which he simultaneously mentioned how "fucking annoying" I was about Obama, but also how much fun he had partying with the brothers, and how proud he is of his country for electing a black man. What? Who the fuck do you think made this election happen, assholes? The people who worked really hard to convince your dumb asses to vote. You got to party on Tuesday because thousands and thousands of people have been working tirelessly for two years to get this done. So you should be down on your knees grateful, (not necessarily to me cause all I did was a couple phone calls, a lot of arguing with strangers, and a lot of snarky blogging), but at the very least you could refrain from insulting me, or them. And the sad part is, they just care about the fact that he's black, not about the fact that he's good, or about any of the issues he supports. And even in the same breath, they're commenting about how "we'll see if he actually does anything in office".
See, I need to let all that go. All I need to think about is that they voted, it's all that matters. And figure out some way to get them to keep voting that way when its not about a black man, or about Bush. As a first step of this, I need to take a deep breath and stop using names. (Oh but its hard to let go of anger, its hard...)
Something I don't need to let go of is...
2. It depresses me to no end that all the anti-gay legislation passed. As happy as I am about this election, I feel like all my gay friends just got labeled second class citizens. And I wish all those people who are so happy about a black president could think for just a moment about how there is a still very oppressed minority in this country, a whole group of people that we won't allow to get married, who many people in this country don't consider worthy of the basic human rights of everyone else. Hmm, we used to do that to this other group of people....who was that....remember?
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
So the theme of Texas is meat. We went to a wing place tonight that on the menu said "for vegetarians, we offer the option of animals who once ate vegetables." Then for lunch, one of the guys with me here had the absolutely brilliant idea to check out which places in Austin had been on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. So we ended up today at Rudy's, which is...
Those ghostly white spots are me hiding behind my co-workers, trying to not look like too much of a tourist. The guys who take your order at this place are awesome. First they announce to everyone you're a rookie, which reminds me of that Virgin Auction they used to do at the beginning of Rocky Horror. Then they give you samples of everything to taste, before you order.
Then they pack it up on paper (no plates here) and away we go. Those things in the styrofoam? Creamed corn made with condensed milk. Oh my god.
This building, which shall remain nameless, has these ornaments on the top that look like large sundials. It leads me to believe that it's designed to open up like a that paper wishing game you played in middle school, and something nefarious will emerge from the top...
Also, our hotel elevators remind me of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
I got very drunk tonight, on vodka, then some giant mug of lemonade which should have made me stop, only the college bar we went to had Cafe Patron. So I had a little of that too. We watched the Cavs game and the college students had a trivia game going on I totally owned, like lock and stock and barrel. Until we got to the movie quotes round. But ask me about Red Badge of Courage and the chemical formula for Hydrogen Peroxide? Even drunk, especially drunk, I will expose myself for the self-righteous teacher's pet I so am. Also, if you tell me you are a Heroes fan, or a Red Dwarf fan, or you mention the pigs scene in Snatch, I will be exceptionally enthusiastic.
However, now I'm back at the hotel and let's just say
This is one definition of loneliness.
Oh, and we went to the zoo...
No, that's actually just the prettiest airport in the world. How Austin and Houston are even in the same state, I'll never understand.
"President-elect Barack Obama will inherit on Jan. 20 the worst financial crisis in 70 years and two wars."
In other words, Ha Ha SUCKA.
Also, you can find out who those commie celebs voted for
Pete Wentz? Commie.
Country music singer Ricky Scaggs? American
"I have really gone to the scriptures and that's the way I vote. I find a man or woman that to me, their principles, ... lines up with what I believe the word of God says," he said Tuesday afternoon. "That's how I vote, and that's the things that I stand on, I would have a hard time voting contrary to that....I'm not sure that Mr. Obama likes bluegrass or country music that well," he said with a chuckle."
Taylor Swift....well Taylor is declining to reveal her vote. Because she still likes her career.
Oh, and Tim Robbins is commie who WASN'T REGISTERED TO VOTE but because he's rich and also the judges are in the tank for Obama, they let him.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I Love You America. Thank you. This is better than I ever, in my entire life, thought you could be.
I'm totally crying right now. And everyone is talking about MLK and the Declaration of Independence, and all that. But GOD, PEOPLE, you finally proved to those bastards that you're not racist, or crazy, or delusional, and you don't believe their lies, and you really learned something from the last eight years. At least more than half of you. It's so awesome. I'm actually proud to be American right now, and I don't think I've ever felt that before in my life, even for a second. I'm not used to being this sincere. I wonder how my parents feel right now.
Brit Hume is totally kissing his ass right now. In your face Fox. Seriously, I hope you crumble, you passive aggressive assholes. "He was elected because people don't remember the civil rights movement" YOU LOSE.
9:06 Dude, we got the senate. woohoo! Now everyone is talking about race, and some guy is saying "the world has to love us now", and everyone is agreeing. The black guy will save us from the angry communists! These people are blathering about race with no real sincerity behind it. "It appears people worked thru their racial issues" and decided they'd still rather have the black than the republican. Another guy just said if republicans can't beat a lunatic like Al Franken, then they're in bad shape. True dat. Wow, what if Franken wins?
Carville is a lizard monster from He-man.
9:12 Why does it seem that Anderson Cooper is hosting a VH1 reality show? Fuck you Georgia.
9:14 Kerry won Mass again. Good for him I guess. But he's just gonna leave anyway to be in the administration. My channel lineup has only CNN, but Dirty Jobs is on the next one up. And its appropriate, cause they're in a salt mine, and also Kerry is made of salt.
9:18 So the Dems are sweeping the senate so far. And remember how I railed against the electoral college 8 years ago? Yeah, I take it back.
9:12 How would Gergen do on Tila Tequila I wonder? I think Borger would kick his ass, she looks like she likes her tequila straight. Oops, unintended pun.
When Anderson Cooper says "We have another projection to make", he narrows his eyes like a gunfighter.
9:24 Hank Williams is getting more screen time than he ever deserved. Republicans like bad music.
9:26 I lied. I guess I also get Fox News. Yippee. The anchor looks like he has already died, and was reanimated just for his contractual obligation. Nicole Wallace has obviously had her cheeks stapled in prep for this night. Wow, Nicole is really throwing in the towel here. She just called McCain scrappy. I wonder how she's not crying discussing Pennsylvania. I would at least be tearing up if I had spent so much time working on this damn campaign.
9:29 What the hell is Prop 2?
9:30 I love you Ohio. I miss you, I love you, I will never talk smack about you again. Oh, Ohio, how I long to see you right now....You're the best. I'm crying just thinking about how much I love you, really.
9:31 Also you, New Mexico. You're more than just a pretty face.
9:33 Oh, Prop 2 is something where Austin City Council is forbidden from trying to lure in retail development or redevelopment with financial incentives. Wow.
9:35 I just noticed I have a lot of bruises on my legs. Ah, seriously, they just referred to the headquarters of the Confederacy...
9:37 Katie Couric's election coverage set is just, blah. Really, it's like it was a challenge on Top Design, do this set with only 20 dollars. But thank god the other channels are joining in now
9:39, YES Kenya Coverage. Kenyans still read newspapers! I wish I was at that party. Why is it that all of Kenya feels related to Obama?
9:40 yes we know that Texas went to McCain. I could have called that 4 years ago. I miss Ohio :(
9:42 This guy is just touching this screen and giving McCain states willy nilly just to show the worst case scenario. Then he said "please, if you're out west, please for the love of god, vote" I think that's what he said. I could have misheard him, I had some tequila myself tonight.
9:44 HaHa, they're all like, hey go to CNN.com and see if YOU can come up with a way to get McCain to 270. C'mon, we dare you.
9:45 did you know Andrew Jackson could swear in two languages, English and Spanish?
Also, I just learned that birds do in fact have penises.
9:48 I wish I had BBC right now. How is it that I don't even have DECENT CABLE on election day. Seriously.
9:49 One station has McCain at 130 electoral, and another at 78?
9:50 You know if Ohio is so important to you every 4 years, why don't you fuckers stop SHITTING ON OHIO?
9:51 I think that CNN is literally sticking random opinionated people at the table, and if they don't talk enough, move them out. Cause these faces keep changing except for Borger and the 2 old white guys. Maybe this IS a reality show.
9:52 Everyone laughs at the idea of talking about Palin at all right now.
9:57 I just learned I missed a HOLOGRAM of some girl on CNN? Damnit. Also, somebody just insinuated that Obama held his rally in Grant Park because that's where Lollapalooza was.
9:59 Hey guys, Joe the Plumber doesn't represent us because WHITE America is no longer the REAL America. Hello Iowa. Go back to the closet Utah, no one wants to be mormon.
10:02 Okay, we know Obama is going to win. But what I really want to know is what kind of turnout? What's the increase in new voters? These people are going to be sharing my elections with me for the next 20 years, I'd like to know how massive this is.
10:04 Now we're being told Obama is Reagan, and not just because of the popular vote, but because Obama will be Reagan. I don't care about GOP insiders jumping off bridges please.
10:06 I guess the theme of the night now is that the Democrats are winning because they are actually Republicans.
10:08 Everyone is getting snippy with each other because the Republican strategists are being sore losers.
10:10 The argument/snippy bloodshed just ended because "all we need are nine votes on the Supreme Court" and everyone laughed. Ha Ha, that's SO FUCKING FUNNY
10:13 Brit Hume is threatening to cry. I think I will only watch Fox News from this point on. I really love all the horrible depressing AARP ads on Fox. I really hope they keep going with those after the election. Also, there was just an ad for CSX! The train company! Saying how they're cheaper than gas powered trucks! Yay for trains coming back!
10:15 Will Fox News implode on itself? Stay tuned....According to Fox, McCain has 135 electoral and Obama has 207. They must be counting the GHOST states, you know, the REAL states.
10:17 Now Brit Hume is throwing Sarah Palin under the bus. Bill Kristol, who has already covered his ass by going on the Daily Show every week and making jokes about himself, is unable to make eye contact with anyone at the table. Kristol is like, wait a second, these exit polls aren't supporting that Palin had any effect on this. And now the Fox dogs are like "no, you're not asking the questions right, if they asked it the right way, it's all Palin's fault!"
10:20 OH MY GOD look at all the people in Chicago!
10:21 Brit Hume has been saying for TWO YEARS that McCain needed a Get Out The Vote drive, and he was obviously the winner before Palin, and then Palin said "fuck those votes" and she is a evil crazy criminal who only speaks to poor crazy appalachia women, who are evil.
10:23 Doug was telling me I need to look at Nebraska's electoral system, cause it's all weird, and I agree. Not right now though.
10:26 Is it weird that I miss MSNBC right now? I want Olbermann and Matthews...I want to see Matthews cry tears of joy...It is absolutely impossible for me to get any kind of Obama love right now from anyone.
10:29 Now Obama didn't win the white vote, but it doesn't matter because he got the Latino vote, the black vote, and the youth vote (and none of those youth are white at all). And they are proud of the youth, because instead of the stupid violent youth in the 60s, this youth is rebelling within the system! He's the first "post civil right movement baby" to become President. You know, it's because he knows how to use the internet right?
10:34 Wonkette just speculated a new Tory based political party....Everyone on Fox sounds sedated, and kind of like they wish they could just stop talking. They also keep saying that "some people thought this wouldn't work" and "some people thought the Jews wouldn't vote for him". Some people huh?
God, Fox is just unwatchable. Its fine to hate them when you think they are working, but when they are losing? It's so pathetic to be stupid mean and a loser.
10:37 Another hologram! Of the Senate building! Campbell Brown is sitting at the table in front of it, but she has to look at the TV screens to see it, and she looks uncomfortable.
10:39 We will probably not get the necessary fillibuster blockers...If Franken wins, I am deleting this blog and running for office in Wyoming.
10:42 Please Please Please get to 11 already. I want to fall asleep to a concession speech. My mother sends all her emails with the subject heading: Momogram.
10:46 Will.I.Am is getting "beamed to you, like in Star Trek" from Grant Park. His mom is proud of him for inspiring people to vote. The Yes We Can video. CNN is interviewing Will.I.Am thru hologram about his youtube video. What the fuck.
10:48 I just saw a Norfolk Southern Commercial! People do realize that coal is dirty too right?
10:50 The music for Fox New Election sounds like the really dangerous part of an action movie where the hero is about to fall of the ledge.
10:51 The Fox news touch screen is defective, and OBAMA WON VIRGINIA. But like the Barbie doll points out, it's just because that dumb state has too many black people. And stupid independents who are swung too easily. He still lost with the white voters, who are the ones who count.
10:53 The Republicans have to go back to being the "reform" party. They need to apply their "timeless principles" to "big ideas" and "clean their house" Ha Ha, the Democrats HAVE cleaned your house, bitches. And your principles had a time, it was 120 years ago. Also, try electing Congressmen who don't embarrass you all the time by being inarticulate bastards. This guy just warned about the "Europeanization of America".
10:56 Call It! Call It! Call It!
10:57 "If Obama wins tonight, it will be the fifth consecutive presidential election where the nominee with the better war record lost".
10:58 Anderson steels his gaze....yes we know about Virginia. C'MON. At least they said "LBJ" instead of "LBA" like Barbie.
BARACK OBAMA IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
10:59 Everyone in Grant Park starts having sex with each other.
The giant bronze statue of George Bush Sr. at Houston-Bush International Airport AND
The Fox News Channel Store. Also at Houston-Bush International.
Some more pics from the most conservative airport in the world...
In case you forgot your ipod.
In case you forgot your gun.
I feel very alone out here. My co-workers are nice, but one of them is definitely a Republican, he asked for a bi-partisan bar to go to tonight. Also, I'm still really hurt by the episode last night, more so cause I spent all my money on cab fare, and now I'm broke as well as brokenhearted.
Off to work!
Click thru the link to see the other amazing things that people have captured that will make today seem even more minimal and meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
But especially this one.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Country Don't Let Me Down.
My next post better be full of HOPE goddamnit ACTUAL HOPE.
Going to this tonight, since I'll miss any kind of partying on actual election night. See, I'm so confident in this, I'm celebrating before the actual results come in. Hopefully this will NOT be a fairy tale ending. I'd like to see everybody come out of this with limbs intact.