Things That Are Not As Cool As You Seem to Think They Are

1. Foursquare.

Foursquare used to be this awesome game we played during recess that I was actually good at. Now it's a way for everybody to prove they sometimes leave their house. I don't necessarily believe you. I think some of you are just driving to places, checking in, and then going home and watching House Hunters. Regardless of your veracity, I don't care where you are. I'm not going to run and join you. Frankly, don't you think it would be weird if I did? If I just got in my car every time you updated, and sped over just to say hi to you at Subway? In another time, that would have been called stalking. Now we want people to stalk us. You know who does care where you are? People who want to rob your house. Or people who want to murder you. Can you really say, without a doubt, there is no one who wants to murder you?

Suggested solution: start writing letters to people in jail.

2. Old Musical Groups Reuniting and Going on Tour

No one would ask Baryshnikov to do a reunion tour. No one asked you either. You are just doing this because you ran out of money, and I think you're very selfish for crushing the memories of countless 30 yr olds just to catch up on your child support payments. Unless you have been actively putting out albums for the last thirty years, stay home. When you don't, stuff like this happens.... skip to the 4 minute mark...



Suggested solution: Invest your money instead of blowing it trying to remain cool. Maybe start an online social networking site. Or have a retirement fund.

3. Biking

Yes, biking is healthy for you and good for the environment. It's fun, I like it, true story. It is also fucking annoying to be driving a car and get behind some biker in stupid gear, with his pants leg folded up in a style previously only adopted by corner drug dealers, while he takes up the whole fucking lane. Also, red lights count for you too, as do stop signs. You can't take a bike to Chicago for the weekend, and you can't pick up a date on a bike. Your friends with cars are sick of having to come pick you up, only to have you wax poetic about how much you love not having a car and riding your bike everywhere. Bikers = the new vegans.

Suggestion: At least give us gas money.

4. Not Showering

I fail to understand how this is anything but laziness. True story, not showering has been around for quite some time. They used to do it in the Middle Ages, when everyone died from flea bites and had no teeth. You know why rape used to be so common? Cause no one willingly wants to have sex with someone who smells like mummified B.O. Oh, you have more important things to concentrate on in your life than sex? How about friends? Do you like having friends?

I can't find any actual health benefits to not showering. If you are that devoted to saving water, then use a wet cloth and a bucket. I will make fun of you to your face if you don't shower, and also I will not pick you up in my car. You will have to ride your bike.

Suggested solution: At least get a very large packet of baby wipes.

5. Old Punks

Fuck old punks. Too drunk to fuck? THAT'S NOT COOL. Want to rail against The Man and Not Be a Cog in the System? Then get off your fucking bar stool. Having a shitty job and getting wasted every night only contributes to the beer distribution monopoly, and leads to you dying without having accomplished anything. You want to prove you don't give a damn about societal perceptions, fine. Go do something to prove that. Start a fucking farm. Cause picking up young chicks who are still too naive to realize getting in fights is stupid does not prove to me your rebellion. It just shows me you are incapable of being more emotionally mature than an eggplant.

I used to like punk music. It has a place and a time. There is, however, lots of other music. Anyone over the age of 21 who adopts their entire lifestyle to one type of music, and a childish one at that, is a moron. The fact that high school kids are the ones making up most of the punk bands should tell you something. AND YOU ARE NOT STILL HOT. You are old and getting fat. You are clinging to your punk ethos because you are an exclusive snob who feels threatened by the rejection you see in the outside world. You are a coward.

Suggested solution: Learn to play more than 4 chords on your guitar and maybe date a girl your own age who makes less money than you.

6. Drinking wine.

I love wine. I love drinking wine. This is because I like getting drunk. However, even I recognize that I do this a lot out of boredom, and it costs money I shouldn't be spending, and if I do it every night I am an alcoholic. Just because it's wine and not liquor does not make it an acceptable habit. You shouldn't be bragging to your friends that you are drinking in the middle of the day, every day. It's not "fun" and "wild". It just shows you are a person who is kinda incapable of finding other things to do with her time, and not very good at dealing with stress. Yes, I drink in the middle of the day too. I am drinking right now. Probably the next time I drink will be next weekend though, because while I am also usually bored and not very good at dealing with stress, I don't want to spend that much money. Also I didn't want to waste that already opened bottle of champagne in my fridge left over from last night, so technically I'm being thrifty here.

Suggested solution: I have none. Wine is good. Maybe smoke more weed?

7. Vampires

Not just Twilight guys. All vampires. True Blood included. You know why those Joss Whedon shows were great? Because all the vampires were depicted as really ugly and stupid. Unless they had a soul, which, well, whatever. Vampires are not sexy. They are creepy parasitic primeval demons who resemble mosquitoes more than anything else. Also, they probably spread AIDS. I'm surprised no one has pointed that out yet. They're like animated hypodermic needles being used over and over again.

Oh, and they are not real. Aliens have way more possibility of being real.

Suggested solution: The collected works of Carl Sagan, and repeated screenings of Predator vs. Aliens.


8. Dog Parks

Dog parks are the dirty rave scene equivalent of the canine world. Lots of ass, lots of excitement, lots of disease and injury.

Suggested solution: train your fucking dog, and then take it somewhere nice, instead of that gravel pit covered in piss and ticks.