It's been a spectacularly bad holiday and week so far. It's one of the weeks where someone you care about suddenly becomes a jackass, and then when you tell him he's being a jackass, he becomes an asshole. So you tell him he's being an asshole, and he explodes into a thousand sharp motherfucker shards, which you keep stepping on. Like breaking a glass and finding a piece of it in your heel two months later.
On top of that, it's murderously hot. I finally put the air conditioner in the bedroom, after much tortured contemplation. If you put it in the living room, you can't sleep but you can watch tv. If I put it in the office, I never leave the computer ever. So the bedroom won, but already I'm regretting it. Once you turn it on, you never turn it off you know. It ruins you for the rest of the summer. It turns your skin into delicate candle wax, which melts as soon as you leave it's cooling confines.
I'm turning 31 on Saturday, which is the most boring birthday ever. All the ones up to 30 were cool, cause they were so dangerous. And then 30 is momentous. 33 is the Jesus birthday. But 31 is like, eh, whatever, you're old but not that old. I have no plans, mostly due to the aforementioned asshole shards, and I may just drive somewhere by myself and never come back. I know at some point in my 30s this will happen. It may be this year. But probably not yet.
What I Want for My Birthday
1) A dome water fountain for the cats. That's for you Mom.
2) New tires for my car.
3) To successfully trend the renaming of "foodies" as "puffins".
4) An office water cooler for myself. So I can sit by it and drink ice cold water all day for the rest of my life until I BECOME water. I mean, more so.
5) Someone to come and thoroughly clean my apartment, who I never have to see again.
6) To go to Bethlehem PA.
7) a grant to go to Russia and document the ruins.
8) A tin heart. Not steel, but mendable weldable tin. Made of scraps. With blue LED lights that light up under my chest. To prove I still have one.
9) Lots of drugs. (no really, I'm just kidding. Just being funny. Totally don't mean it at all. Why would anyone be serious about that? Ha ha.) Like, a ton of them. And an igloo with a pool inside it.
10) Ownership of Lake Erie.